20 Irish New Year's resolutions

Right, this year we plan to stick to our New Year's resolutions! Here are 20 that could apply to your average Irish person.

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1. Stop talking about the weather

Starting now.

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2. Clean out the spare room

For years it has been a safe haven for old school books, abandoned weathered shoes, and your old collection of CDs. However with this being the year of The Gathering an'all, it's time for the family museum to serve its original purpose. For your own sake, start clearing it out today rather than waiting until the Yanks are on the front street.

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3. Wash your own damn clothes

All our poor mother wishes is for us to come home for the weekend. Whether your 19, 29, or 39, it's very hard to explain to Mammy why you won't be travelling down from the Big Smoke on Friday.

But then when we do come home, we have the audacity to arrive in the door with two weeks worth of dirty clothes! It's time for all of us to open a discourse with our own washing machine.

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4. Stop answering 'How are you?' with 'How are you?'

Once you start to notice this it'll drive you up the wall. It happens umpteen times a day, from the moment we greet our housemate in the morning, right through to passing someone on the walk home from work. Yet no one ever answers the question!

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5. Don't sign up to the gym

There's no point. You'll sign up, you'll go for about a month, and then never darken its door again. It's like what happened Chandler and Ross in Friends, but instead of scantily clad women trying to convince us to join, we've just got Ben Dunne shouting down the radio at us.

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6. Instead of saying LOL, actually laugh out loud

Come on now kids, stop bringing this curse upon us. It's a trend that's catching on, and not only is it annoying, but when you hear someone from Louth, or such places, say it, the accent makes it sound so very very wrong.

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7. Grab 'tea' not 'coffee'

I remember when I was young and watching American TV shows and films. I remember being terrified every time someone on TV would ask 'Wanna meet up for coffee', or 'let's grab coffee some time.'

I thought I would never be able to socialise because I don't drink coffee, and you never hear anyone suggesting 'we should grab a tea together.' Let's change that. Let's upset the apple cart, and break the down the social barriers that are in the way of us stopping us from 'grabbing tea' together!

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8. Learn how to speak Italian

Look it, it's been four years, if Trapattoni hasn't become fluent in English at this stage, then he never will. The only option is for all of us to learn Italian. Either that or appoint Manuela as manager.

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9. Stop pretending to have gone to mass

So you reach your 20s and you think your the big shot. You get insured in the parents' car, and you spend your weekends supping rum and Coke like there's no tomorrow.

The problem is, there is a tomorrow and the next morning your mother kicks you out of the bed to go to mass. You get in the car but instead of driving to the chapel, you head to the shop for a breakfast roll, or better yet, park in a field and have a snooze. I warn you this: you will get caught out! The day will come when someone faints on the alter and you fail to report the incident to your mother!

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10. Learn which three counties in Ulster aren't in Northern Ireland

My outrage at the rest of the country knows no bounds. How in the name of God can you go through 14 years of education and still not know that Cavan, Monaghan, Donegal are the three Ulster counties in the Republic?!

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11. Get over our crippling fear of ice baths

In sport, January and ice baths go hand in hand. In GAA dressing rooms around the country, old baths, plastic barrels, and over-sized cattle drinkers are being readied – awaiting the start of season training.

This year let's try to embrace them. Your hamstrings will thank you for it!

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12. Learn what a tracker mortgage is

I don't know what it is. Do you?

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13. Visit your Granny more often

It's all they ask for. It doesn't cost anything, and you'll be treated like a king, with constant offerings of 7up and sponge cake.

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14. Stop stealing people's jackets!

They're society's plague! These people, these mongrels, who go around pubs and nightclubs picking up random jackets and walking out the door with a bare face cheek that warrants a slap in the butt of the lug.

Stop it now! You're ruining all our lives!

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15. Actually visit some of our tourist attractions

We talk about them, we read about them, and you hear all the tourists harp on about the likes of the Giants Causeway, the Blarney Stone, and the Cliffs of Moher; but the amount of Irish people – including yours truly – who have never visited any of these places is alarming.

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16. Bring the phrase 'I'll call round for a céilí' back into fashion

Some of Ireland's distinctive phrases are in grave danger of dying out. The likes of said 'grab a coffee', and 'they're going out together' have replaced 'calling round for a céilí', 'courting', 'doing a line', and such gems that made up the Irish wink-and-elbow language of delight.

We need to try to keep that language alive.

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17. Stop calling 'Tesco' 'Tescos'

It's not that difficult! And as for those who still call it Quinnsworth...

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18. Learn how to put on bed clothes

This is coupled with the spare room resolution, and the pestering your mother with the washing. It's time for students and fathers alike to finally learn how to put bed clothes on the bed.

Seriously, try this social experiment; ask your Dad to change the sheets on the bed. The result will be absolute bedlam!

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19. Stop driving on your provisional licence

There comes a time when you're driving down the M50, alone with your thoughts, and on your fourth provisional licence that you begin to think maybe I should look about getting the full licence. Make 2013 the year you earn the pink slip.

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20. Buckfast is not a medicine

You're only lying to yourself when you say 'it's a tonic wine, sure it's practically medicine.' You say that, and then wake up the next morning in a shopping trolley, with all the Christmas tree decorations wrapped around you, wondering what the hell happened.

Time for a booze detox me thinks.

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